Mr Sarcastic
by Tall n' handsome
Summary: He doesn't want to be here. And he'll openly let everyone know that. Even if he is a bit rude, he will tell ya. Most of the time, he doesn't even know that he's sarcastic or being rude, but that's just the way he is, and everyone will have to learn that. The easy way, or the mouthy way. This is his life in Smash. Rated T for Turtle-er, rated T for mild language and strange humor.
1. A Bad Welcome

**Hey there. Just want to say thanks for viewing this story. Sorry if it doesn't live up to what it's supposed to be. This is just the prologue and I'll definitely bring back more pretty soon. Anyways, let's keep this short and sweet. ACTION!**

He opened the silver doors to the smash mansion not having a clue of what to expect. He didn't even want to be here in the first place, but if he wanted to get away from that raging baboon at home, or that woman, for a while, this was his only chance. Rumor had it that he would me fighters and heroes and villains from entirely different timelines and universes. Seeing that a place like this exist and it's possible for these fighters to join together in harmony and brawl, well, is beyond amazing. But, to some folk like him, it was taken for granted. He sighed and pushed open the doors. The mansion and famed location between universes was located atop a high cliff, with the sparkling ocean far behind it. It was massive.

"Ugh. I hope the climb was worth it. I don't too much fancy climbing a mountain just for a myth. This had better be worth it." The soon-to-be smasher pushed through the door and was greeted by a humongous lobby. Beautiful crystal lights hung on the walls and fancy things draped from the ceiling. There was a literal red carpet leading to the lobbies desk to sign in and apply. You had to have an invitation of course, and he did. The air smelt of fresh blooming roses and morning dew ( **don't even think about it** ) on the greenest of green grasses. The pre-smasher took it all in, it's magnificence.

"Meh. Seen better." Almost immediately did it all disappear.

The room had several extensions to different rooms and hallways. He clutched his sword tightly and slowly approached the spotless and cleanly wooden counter. A woman was sitting there with glasses looking down. She must be reading.

"Hey."

"Yikes!" she shouted and jumped up. She took her glasses off and exposed her bright green eyes.

"Yikes? Who says yikes anymore? This isn't Scooby Doo. And even then, they said 'yoinks'." he said. The lady took in a deep breath and folded her glasses and closed her book.

"My my, you scared the living daylights out of me."

"Well, luckily we have nightlights."

"What can I do for you hun? I don't think I've seen your face around here yet. Otherwise, I would've called you already." she said with a smile.

"If you did do that, I would've hit reject already. Anyways, what do I do?"

"What's that hun?"

"Don't call me hun. Call me ."

"Well well -"

"That's Cloud Strife to you sir. The nerve of some people..."

Her eyes narrowed. "You don't get out much do you?"

"No, It's just that I don't hop from universe to universe much. But seriously, what do I do?" Cloud yawned.

"Are you new here?"

"Wouldn't ask otherwise."

"Now now, no need to be rude. Now, what to do with new people...Let's see here..." the lady pulled out a manual and started flipping through it quickly. Cloud looked more annoyed than before. "Man, not only is this place shabby, but it's completely unorthodox too. What a handful..." he was in that kind of mood.

"I can't seem to find it. Argh, damn it." she lightly tapped her head.

"Man, what if I took offense to that. Boom, and someone's out of a job." the lady eyed him up and down then pulled out a walkie talkie. "So this place does know some sort of communication."

"Kierr to base I repeat, Kierr to base." muffled sounds came from the tiny radio. Think it might of been another staffsman.

"This is base. Do you copy?"

"I copy."

"Is there a problem? Kierr? Is there a problem?"

"Nope, no problem here. Just called to ask how your day is going." Cloud sighed. The lady snapped her fingers at him.

"Yes, I do have a problem. I have a newbie here and needs to be dealt with."

"Yep, we got a newbie. She doesn't even know what to do with a new smasher." the lady snapped her fingers again.

"A newbie? What is their name?"

"Uh, hold on. Let me find out." She took her finger off of the button on the walkie and turned to Mr. Sarcastic. "What is your name again?"

"Herbert Hoover."

"Your REAL name sir."

"You know, I really shouldn't give my identity to strangers..."

"SIR! YOUR NAME!"

"Well you could've just asked. It's Herbert Hoover."

"For the love of god!" she yelled and put her hand on her face.

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

"You're ridiculous!"

"No, I'm Cloud Strife." Herbert Hoo-I mean, Cloud and Kierr had a stare off. Kierr was getting a spoonful of Cloud while he didn't even think he'd done anything wrong. Slowly, she brought the walkie talkie back to her mouth.

"His name is Cloud Strife."

"Cloud is already here!? Shit-"

"I could've taken offense to that too..."

"We'll inform the boss right away." It's not boss galaga either. "Yeah, I hear ya. What do you want me to do with him?"

"Just keep him at the front desk for now. Don't forget to have him review his paperwork and info. Over and out." the tiny radio clicked off and she hooked it onto her pants.

"Well, it seems that I have to keep you here for a while. Do you need me to get your paperwork?" she said putting her head on hand.

"No, I'm fine thanks. I could use a bite to eat though, that is, if this place even supplies that."

"Sorry, but you'll have to wait until you're registered. Fully registered. But, is there anything you wanted to do for the next five minutes?"

Cloud looked around. "Yeah. I'd like to smack the designer of this dump around and show them some real fashion sense. Seriously, who designed this place?" he replied smugly.

"That would be me." A loud voice rang in his eardrums for what seemed to be millenniums. Cloud swung around to face the offender, but was shocked out of his soul to see an overgrown hand behind him.

Cloud stumbled backwards, taken aback. "Holy moly. They weren't kidding when they said Master Hand..."

"Yes Cloud, I am Master Hand. I'm sure you'll enjoy you're stay here in the smash mansion. But, I'll explain all of the details of the tournament later. For now, let's just get you set up. Right this way Cloud." the hand boomed.

"Okay, you don't have to shout."

"Now, I hope you don't mind walking because we're going to my office on the 9th floor and I haven't installed elevators yet."

"Oh, this place just keeps getting better and better. And if I do mind?"

"Surely you'll get over it." Master Hand floated on.

"Precious." and so they walked, up the stairs and farther into the smash mansion and farther into Cloud's new life for the next year. He wasn't exited at all, but he could never know what he had coming in the next year. Friends (probably not), fun (probably not), adventure (if you call this adventure), and battle (the one thing he might enjoy). He had a lot ahead of him and he could only wait patiently for them to end as quick as possible.

* * *

 **Prologue. What did you think? Yeah, me too. Anyways, I'll be back with more sooner or later and like always, appreciate the support. Welp, see all of you later and thanks.**

 **Also, if you have any questions, feel free to ask them. I'll be happy to answer. That's all for now!**

 **that is, if anyone's reading of course.**


	2. Starting Over Fresh? Kinda?

**Yeah, been a while. This story is going to be updated regularly now. Oh well. Drop a comment, give me a favorite! Enjoy!**

"Man, I am not as fit as I used to be. Before, I would have trashed those stairs." Cloud said in between breaths. Master Hand stopped and turned towards him. Cloud raised an eyebrow at the hand.

"Cloud, are you tired already? We're almost there."

"Yeah, I'm tired. After all, I did climb this mountain."

"You climbed up here? Why didn't you just use the zipline?"

"Wait wait wait. What? The ziplines go up? Who came up with that idea? Must've been an id-"

"Before you say anything, Cloud,-"

"Oh, I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to say idiot. But what were you saying?" Master Hand looked slightly irritated, however that may happen. He's a hand, so the way you can tell facial expressions is beyond me.

"Let's keep moving." The hand floated forwards through the massive halls while Cloud followed close behind. His sword was resting on his back, which is peculiar because he stated he was tired and that thing must weigh like 3 tons. Anyways...The two walked and floated around a corner and to a very secluded area, not having as many lights and fancy flowers and such. Farther down was two gigantic doors, probably as big as the ones in The Maze Runner.

"Talk abo-" Master Hand hushed him. "No Cloud. That's enough of your sarcasm."

"So I can't speak then?" he asked tilting his head to the side. Master Hand sighed. Cloud pushed against the enormous door. It didn't even budge. His muscles strained against the weight of the wall. His feet skid against the ground and he kept falling over. But he would get back up and push again. On the 7th try, the door budged. It slid backwards with a lazy moan and a loud creak. Cloud pushed as hard as he could.

"Man, didn't think I was this strong!" he looked up to see Master Hand pushing with his pinkie finger. "Aw yeah, real cute show off!" he huffed.

"Master Hand! Master Hand!" a high-pitched, female voice cried out. A yellow dog ran around the corner hold handfulls of paper. Of course she tripped and of course papers scattered everywhere. They flew and flipped in the air as the dog frantically tried to get them back. She jumped up and down, snatching at nothing but the air. Cloud looked at Master Hand.

"And who's this piece of work? She doesn't look like a fighter."

"That's because she isn't. This is one of my secretaries, Isabelle."

"Must be fun having her around. Does she help or hinder, 'cause at this point of view, looks like-"

"She's good enough. Come, follow me." Master Hand floated into his office.

"Wait! You still didn't answer my question!" Cloud ran after him. Next thing you know, another secretary ran around the corner.

"Hey! Wait for me!" the door slammed shut on the man, sending his papers everywhere. He growled and started picking up papers. "The nerve of some people...Waluigi has no time for this…"

They had finally reached Master Hand's office and Cloud couldn't be more relieved. He was already happy that he hadn't seen any other fighters yet, but now he could finally sit down and get the explanation. He sat in one of the chairs that was in front of Master Hand's already-large-but-now-overgrown-desk desk.

"Now Cloud, let's get you all set up. All you need to worry about now is just this normal paperwork, signature to your room, the key to the mansion, and last but not least, your money card."

"Money Card? Is that like a credit card?"

"More of a Debit Card. It's abbreviated as M.C. ."

"M.C.? Why that of all things? Do you know how many things are already abbreviated M.C.? Minecraft, memory card, Master of Ceremony, microphone controller, mild curry, mild chilli, monster cookie…"

"You made those last three up."

"Maybe."

"Anyways, you'll get your money card today too. Your money card will store all of your earnings that you make in the tournament based on your performances."

"Whoa, I get paid for this!? Okay, now that's a deal! And here I thought I'd be living on bread and water! Then again that's probably better than everything served here-"

"Cloud! I need you to stop talking for a bit because this is important. Your room is your room only. No other smashers allowed, especially females. Don't lose your key or give it to anyone else either. To leave, you'll have to sign out at the front desk where you're going and when, so that in case of emergency, we can find you. We already have your blood type and health records so those should be all good. Now, please review your information on this paper. Sign if it is all correct so I can give you your Smash I.D. and Smash phone." he slid a pen and paper towards him. Cloud looked at it a while and contemplated all of his life choices. Then he signed.

"Good. Here," Master Hand shot a laser at a normal piece of metal and it turned into a Smash I.D. He also handed Cloud a phone. "You do understand how to use a phone, correct?" the hand asked.

"Yeah, but it's not nice to use anyone for anything. Think about their feelings for once."

"From now on, 83% of the things that come out of your mouth, I will ignore." Master Hand floated on. "Come. Let me show you your room." Cloud put the shiny phone in his left pocket and the I.D. in his back pocket, then chased after Master Hand. They walked around the corner and up three flights of stairs. Towards the far end of the hall was a polished wood door. Next to it on the wall was a small rectangle wood panel. It was lined with gold.

"This is your room."

"But it doesn't have my name on it…" Master Hand snapped his fingers and on the gold lined wood panel appeared 'Cloud Strife' on it in silver letters. "Ooh. Fancy. I like it."

"Finally you enjoy something. Here, let me show you the inside." Master Hand pushed open the door and tried his best to get in. He couldn't fit. He teleported through the doorway. Cloud walked in, trying his best not to laugh. Cloud's room was much bigger on the inside than he thought. Master Hand and Crazy Hand would probably both be able to fit in there with room for an elephant.

"Whoa! A bed! I didn't think that this run-down place would have these!" he ran and jumped into it.

"Cloud, I don't know if you've noticed it yet, but you're being very rude about this place." Master Hand said. Cloud shrugged.

"No, I actually like the room. It's the mansion that is so bad."

"What is it that you dislike about the mansion? Is it the decor? The furnishings? The stairs? Please, I'm eager to hear your feedback."

"It's pretty much everything. I've heard of this place before. It's just that when I hear of someplace 'legendary and a rare sight' I didn't expect to see this. I thought it'd be something that I haven't seen before." he yawned as he rolled himself up in the covers. "I could get used to this…"

"Now Cloud, I know you may be disappointed about most of the things in the mansion, but you've just gotten here and there is still much for you to do. Was there any baggage or belongings that you brought with you?"

"Well, I didn't bring it up the mountain with me. There's two bags waiting to be stolen. So yeah."

"Here, I'll go get them for you." In two seconds, Master Hand warped away and then back. He carefully set the blue and pink bag on the ground.

"That was impressive." Cloud mumbled. Master Hand shrugged.

"Here's your bags. Not to be gender or color biased, but what's with the pink bag? My records tell that your favorite color is magenta." the hand questioned. Cloud looked at the bag for a couple of seconds and snapped his concealed fingers. He was wrapped up like a worm in blankets.

"Oh yeah. That's a bag that Tifa packed for me. Who knows what's in there. Besides, I like the color pink."

"Tifa...I'll have to study your history this afternoon. I'll give you fifteen minutes to get settled in. Then I will take you on the tour to see all that the mansion has to offer. Is there any questions that you have right now?"

"I am super hungry. Is there anything that's edible around here?" he asked. Cloud was upside down hanging from his huge bead.

"Y-yes. Would you like to go to the cafeteria now or doing the tour? It's 10:43, breakfast is over in forty-five minutes." Cloud felt the vibrations in Master Hands voice. He fell off the bed and hit his head on the floor. He got up, rubbing his hair.

"Argh, uh, sure."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"At the tour thing, or whatever. Yeah sure thanks, goodbye." Cloud waved, signaling the hand away. Master Hand sighed.

"This is going to be a long week." he teleported out of the room and Cloud was finally alone. He fell backwards onto the floor.

"Ah, the carpet ain't so bad. Where to start though? Shower, organise my crap, give Tifa a call, man. This day is going to suck. Not to mention that I have to meet a bunch of people. Welp, guess I'll start with a shower…" he said and took off his shirt. All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door. He got up and opened the door. A young lady with a pink dress, crown, and blue earrings jumped back at the shirtless smasher. Cloud raised an eyebrow. "What's up?"

"U-um...H-hello! My name is Princess Peach! I'm a fellow smasher here. It's nice to meet you! Your name is…" she paused with a semi-smile on her face.

"I mean, my name is right here on the side of the door. It's all shiny and stuff. You could've bothered to read i-oh never mind. My name is Cloud Strife. Going to be a 'smasher' or whatever you call it here. Going to stay a while. Don't know how to determine whether it's nice to meet someone or not, but right now, it seems okay." he replied. The princess looked at him peculiarly.

"U-um, I brought you a housewarming gift to help you settle in!" she handed him a weird shaped item wrapped in a strange green wrapping paper. He took it with an eyebrow up.

"What is this?" he asked.

"It's a secret."

"Well, actually, it's only a secret until I open it up and display it in the recycle bin-*AHEM* on my bedroom dresser, but thanks anyway. Quick question before you go though." she smiled brightly.

"Sure! What's the question?"

"Are you a real princess?"

"Of course!" she flicked her hair playfully. "I am the princess and ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Toadstool, or Princess Peach. Whatever you prefer." She flashed him another smile. Must be really friendly.

"If you're a princess, where are your guards?"

"Hmm?"

"Your minions? Servants? Guards with Ak-47's waiting to kill anyone who threatens to bring harm? Where are they? You'd think they'd keep their ruler safe from danger." she turned her head to the side innocently.

"What's an AK-47?" she asked. Cloud closed the door.

"Not having that conversation." he still heard her on the other side of the door.

"Okay then, I'll see you around!" her footsteps trailed off and Cloud sighed. He looked at the present in his hands.

"Can't exactly be a housewarming gift if I don't live in a house. What a weird woman. Oh well, let's see what it is." he tore off the wrapping paper to find a strange heavy metal mushroom looking thing. It had two eyes and was red at the top with speckled white polka-dots. There was a metal cord hanging down with an extension cord in the back. He plugged it in and pulled the string. It illuminated the room. Turns out it was a Mushroom Lamp. Cloud facepalmed. "What the hell is this supposed to be? A lamp for National Shroom Awareness Week? Sorry, but I'm not on drugs. Why does this cancer fungus have eyes and white spots? I don't even know what I'm looking at." he shook his head. "Welp, although she was TRYING to be nice, into the trash chute you go!" he picked it up and carried it over to a large metal spot in the wall with a handle. He opened it up to see the nearly endless trash chute and looked at the lamp.

The lamp stared back with sad eyes.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot something." Cloud opened the top of the lamp and took the light bulb out. Then he tossed the lamp down the chute without remorse. It clanged all the way down, probably never to be heard from again. Cloud put the lightbulb in a nearby empty drawer. "Welp, glad that's over. Now for that shower." he began removing the rest of his clothes when ANOTHER person knocked on the door. Cloud, who already had his pants off sighed and opened the door in just his briefs. "Hello?" Another woman, this time with greyish hair and clothing without shoes. Her face lit up a bright red when she saw him and turned around.

"Gah! Um, I didn't expect you to be nearly clothless. I-is it okay if I come back later?" she said turned around with her hands over her face.

"Actually, I wouldn't like anyone to come by anytime. But, you're already here, so is it something that I can help you with?" he said expressionlessly. She got up and turned around, still blushing.

"My name is Kamui. I'm a dragon from-"

"You're a dragon? Who's standing on two feet and has arms. Right. You feeling okay?"

"No, I mean I can turn into a dragon. I also have a brother who can do the same thing. I came by to say-"

"So, you have wings? What type of dragon? Is it like one that's ferocious that spews fire and terrorises cities? How about with claws sharp enough to cut diamond and could withstand mountains falling on them? That kind of dragon? 'Cause that would be pretty damn cool." she shook her head vigorously.

"I would show you, but these halls are too narrow. I can transform different parts of my body as well." she mentioned.

"Okay, not going to lie, but you've just got me pumped up. Come on, don't leave me hanging. Let me see your dragon form!" he enthusiastically said. Unfortunately, this will probably be the most excited he gets in a while. Kamui awkwardly smiled.

"Well, you'd be the first person to actually really want to see it. Well, I haven't met everybody yet. I'm a newcomer just like you. Master Hand told me that other people would just be coming today. Looks like me and my brother got here before you. Regarding my dragon form though, I'm not sure if I can do it now. I'd need more room…" Cloud pointed behind himself.

"I could fit a whole zoo in here. You can come in." he said. She blushed slightly again.

"B-but Master Hand said not to come into each others rooms, especially mixed genders. And you're in your…" her eyes looked down, but quickly raised back up.

"That hand is just mad he can't fit through the doorway." Cloud backed way back to make room. Despite Master Hand's urgent orders, she walked into the room. Cloud smiled. "Alright, let's see what you can do." she nodded. With a deep breath, she transformed. Hands and feet turning from human to dragon. She got much bigger, almost six times as big! Her head nearly touched the high ceiling. Once finished, she roared. Cloud's excitement boosted by fifty percent.

"Oh that is awesome! Not what I was expecting, but still awesome!" she transformed back. "Too bad you can't do anything in that mode, otherwise it would be super badass." Cloud was impressed.

"Wait, I totally can do things in that mode! It's super strong as well!" she whined. Cloud's grin grew mischievous.

"Want to test that theory? I've always wanted to fight a dragon."

"Fine! I'll show you how strong my dragon form really is!" she yelled back. She pulled her sword from out of nowhere. Cloud smiled more at the sight.

"Your blade looks like a chainsaw. Let me show you mine…" he opened his blue bag and pulled out this heaping ass sword. He picked it up with ease, muscles bulging as he did so. Kamui was shocked.

"That's a huge sword! How do you even carry it?" she asked.

"That's a story for another day. But for now, why don't you show me what you're made of?" he cheerfully said. In a flash, Kamui was nearly on top of him. She brought her blade down, Cloud just barely blocking her. "You're fast! I can see you're not worried about injuries! Well then, allow me to get more serious." he swung and sent her flying back. Since the room was gigantic, they had no problem with furniture or the walls getting in the way. Cloud wasn't too far away from her. She drew back her arm, as if she was going to attack. Before she could, Cloud drug his sword on the carpeted floor and swung at her, sending a green beam towards her that tore the decent carpet to pieces. She dove out of the way as it cut a large hole into the door. Cloud jumped forward at her, but she slid under his attack and kicked him…

Right in the genitals.

Cloud fell onto the ground groaning. Kamui dropped her blade and ran over.

"Oh my gods! I'm so sorry! That was an accident! Are you okay!?" she shouted.

"W-why did you have to, kick me in the d-d…" he couldn't finish.

"I didn't mean to!" she put her hand on his back.

"Jeez, you kick hard. I thought that you were...going to go...dragon form." he coughed. There was a distant voice making it's way down the hall.

"Cloud, there is one thing I did forget to mention. There are more newcomers like you coming to the mansion. You will be ta-" Master Hand stopped at the door. He saw Cloud in his underwear leaning over with Kamui on the ground next to him patting him on the back. The door had a giant cut out of it and the carpet was torn up. He being angry was an understatement.

"You haven't even been here an hour and somehow, you've already broken almost all of the rules I've set for you. Cloud, just what in the world were you two doing?" Master Hand angrily asked. He floated at his giant desk while Cloud and Kamui both sat across from him. Cloud was fully clothed in one chair and had his arms folded while Kamui's face was red and hands were in her lap.

"Fine, I'll start from the beginning. It was really cramped and hot. I was getting too big for my mother's womb, so I had to come out."

"Further!" Master Hand ordered.

"That was the time I had my fifteenth birthday. Nobody cared."

"Cloud, skip ahead."

"I was faced with that bastard Sephiroth. This time, I was determined to make sure he wouldn't hurt anybody else. I gripped my sword with hatred and-"

"Cloud!"

"I was getting ready to take a shower since I was sweaty from climbing up this mountain. I removed most of my clothes when there was a second knock on the door. I don't want to talk about the first person. But when I answered, I met her." He pointed to his right, Master Hand's left. Kamui was still not saying anything. "We had a discussion about her dragon form. And then she showed it to me, in my room. I thought it was impressive, but not good enough. Then we had a battle. Blah blah blah, I got kicked in the balls 'accidentally'." He put quotations on accidentally. "That's pretty much when you came. I don't see what the big deal is. We weren't doing it or anything. There shouldn't be a problem." he looked away from Master Hand, who was patiently floating. "Then we followed you down here after I got dressed and got into these chairs-"

"I'll stop you there." Master Hand interrupted.

"Yeah sure, interrupt me right at the end, some listener you are..." he scoffed.

"So you two decided to fight each other. In Cloud's room. While damaging things. Even though I told you not to. Especially since YOU'RE a girl Kamui!" he pointed at her. She winced. "I feel like both of you have ignored everything I've told you today. I'm very disappoi-" before Master Hand could finish, an identical hand shoved him out of the way.

"Ooh! New smashers! Have we met? We haven't met! I'm Crazy! That's my name! I'm not actually Crazy, that'd be crazy! Can you hear me? Do you understand me? Read my lips! I don't have lips! Ilovenewsmasherslet'splaytwentyquestions!" Master Hand swatted the new hand, apparently Crazy, away.

"Bad Crazy! I've told you not to interrupt me during my lectures! What did I tell you at the beginning of the day?" Crazy Hand looked crestfallen.

"That you'd be very busy and you needed me to stay out of the way today…"

"Very good! Go sit on the time out chair!"

"B-but I hate time-out!" he cried. Master Hand pointed a stern finger to the back room.

"Go." Crazy sadly floated through the door and closed it behind him. Master Hand turned around to see Cloud sneaking out of the door. "Back in your seat Cloud." he climbed back into his chair grumbling. "Anyways, I'm very disappointed in the two of you. Since this is your first time-" Cloud chuckled.

"Trust me, I've already had my first time…"

"Cloud! Do not interrupt me! As I was saying, since this is your first time," he looked at Cloud and Kamui before continuing. "I'm going to let both of you off with a warning. But you're not scot-free." he made a purple ball in his hand that inhaled both of their weapons. "For the time being, I will be confiscating these."

"Hey! You never said that we couldn't fight each other and destroy stuff! You're being unfair!" Cloud growled. He doesn't exactly like not having his sword.

"Cloud, this should be common sense. Now, I'm not discussing the matter any further. I will return your weapons when I see fit. Now come, we're a couple of minutes late for the tour. We need to go get the other newcomers. Let's go. Oh, and Kamui," she looked up.

"Yes?"

"I don't want a word of this to be said to your brother. Already, I know how...protective he can be. I don't want any ill feelings between him and Cloud."

"O-okay. Not a word."

"If he asks about your sword, tell him I have it for...maintenance reasons." she nodded. Master Hand put a timer with five minutes on it and started it.

"What's that?" Cloud asked.

"It's Crazy's timeout time. Once it's over, he may come out. But for now, we have things to do. Follow me." Master Hand floated out of his gigantic doors with a very impatient Cloud and a very embarrassed Kamui. They could both tell that it was going to be a long week.

 **Next one's coming out soon! Hope you enjoyed! Have a good one!**


	3. The Tour! Of Boredom!

**Yep, I'm back. Let's get right into it.  
**

* * *

Cloud was still in a bad mood, from, you know, getting his sword taken away and all. And he was in no mood to meet and greet new people. They hadn't gotten anybody yet, but running through the halls after Master Hand was pretty boring. And he was pretty tired of seeing the same sparkling halls and clean red rugs everywhere. And Kamui wasn't saying a word. How dull.

"How many fighters are there in this mansion anyway? This is more like a hotel than anything." he asked, desperate to break his boredom. Master Hand kept floating forward.

"Well, now that everyone is here, 58, counting Samus in and out of her powersuit and the very same for Mario and the doctor. Unfortunately, the REAL doctor is really busy, so he couldn't come right now. Maybe another time. But Mario knows enough, so it'll have to do."

"Mario, Samus, you talk about these people like I actually know them or anything. What the hell is a powersuit? If I need to light up a room, I'd just use a lightbulb, and maybe that drug lamp I got earlier today." That got Kamui's attention.

"What are you talking about, 'drug lamp'? That doesn't make any sense."

"You can literally turn into a dragon. THAT makes no sense."

"Neither does climbing up a mountain. Especially if there's already a way to get up. An easier way." she shrugged.

"Guess we have a lot in common. Maybe that's a good thing. But first, let me address the fact that this 'mansion' *cough* *cough* hotel *cough*, is on the edge of a MOUNTAIN. Do you know how dangerous that is? All it has to do is rain and we're on the landslide of death. A small earthquake and we'll be splatting on the ground. But hey, if the big and mighty glove thinks that it's alright, then I guess we're okay." they turned around a corner for the fifth time and stopped at a door at the far end of the hall.

"Hey, this is right next to my room. That means..." Master Hand knocked on the door before Kamui could finish. There was a distant 'Coming!' on the other side. Something crashed and someone said ow. Then Corrin opened the door, sweat on his forehead.

"Hey Master Hand! Is it time to go on the tour?" he scratched behind his head nervously. Master Hand decided to ignore the chaos behind him.

"Yes Corrin. Is there any complaints you have? Or questions?"

"Well, yeah. There's one. I-"

"Wait wait wait, hold the phone. How come you asked him if he had questions and complaints? 'Cause I've got tons of things that I am ready to tell you about. Personally, I feel hurt. Wounded that such an opportunity is wasted. My opportunity is wasted." Cloud interrupted. Master Hand sighed.

"Cloud, I did ask you about your views on the mansion. You said pretty much everything is bad. Also, it's rude to interrupt people when their talking, especially for such petty matters. Until we start the tour, I don't want to hear another word from you unless it's 'How do you do?' or 'Great day we're having!' Anything else is a no. Now, Corrin, what was it you had to say?" Cloud pouted and stepped aside. Corrin had forgot what he was going to say.

"I actually forgot. It'll probably come later. But for now, feel free to lead the way!" he cheerily said.

"Good, now, everyone, follow me. We need to go get Roy next. Although he's been here before, there's nothing wrong with a refreshing tour!" Master Hand liked giving tours. Luckily for everyone, Roy's room was just at the end of the next hall. Three smashers walked silently behind him, one giddy as can be.

"So sis, how's it been for you so far?" Corrin asked Kamui. She paled slightly and looked away.

"W-well there's not really much to say. All I know is that so far, it's been...Interesting." she looked at Cloud when she said this. He walked silently. Corrin walked over to him and stuck out his hand. Cloud kept straight forward, but turned his eyes left.

"My name's Corrin! It's nice to meet you! What's your name?" he waited with a smile, but got no response.

"Cloud, shake his hand." Master Hand ordered. Cloud shook his hand, but wasn't happy about it.

"My name is Cloud-I mean, 'How do you do,?'" he rolled his eyes. Corrin fell for the bait anyway.

"So, what brings you to the tournament this year?"

"Great day we're having!" Master Hand sighed.

"Cloud, you can say normal words now."

"Good, I was getting tired of lying. This is a horrible, horrible day-erm, I mean, uh I dunno. Just got an invitation and decided to do whatever man." he said in a strange, surfer accent.

"Are you strong? Really strong? Because I want to fight as many powerful people as possible! Really make my mark here!" Cloud began to get excited, but then wasn't when he realized he didn't have his sword.

"Damn it, just realized I don't have my sword..."

"Did you leave it in your roo-wait a minute, you're a sword user!? That's awesome! I already met another guy who uses swords, his name is Link and that guy was so cool! I was afraid that everyone here just fought with their hands, like that princess I met earlier today. She was strange. Are you as excited as I am?" he enthusiastically said. Cloud had already become tired with Corrin. His overwhelming energy was annoying. He'd rather talk to Kamui.

"Only thing I'm excited for is to get the hell out of here..."

"Did you say something Cloud?"

"Nope! Nothing at all Master Hand! I'm having a wonderful time walking through these halls!" he threw his hands up into the air.

"Cloud, where are you going?" Master Hand had already stopped and Cloud was too busy rolling his eyes to notice that he was heading straight for a wall. He smashed into it, swearing under his breath. Master Hand knocked on the door.

"Comiiiiing!" a male voice echoed across the room. There was a grunt and then a crash, something hitting the floor. Another clang until a red-headed man stumbled and opened the door. He sheepishly smiled and scratched the back of his head. "Hi guys."

"Good morning Roy. Are you ready for the tour?" Master Hand asked him. Cloud walked back to the group, rubbing his nose.

"Yep! Ready when you are! Man, it feels great to be back!" he said, stretching. Cloud raised an eyebrow.

"Back? You've been here before?"

"Yes I have! As a matter of fact, This is my second tournament."

"Roy didn't make it into the third tournament, that of which I like to call Tournament Brawl. Unfortunately, due to popular demand that is." Master Hand told. Cloud folded his arms.

"Popular demand. That actually sucks. Doesn't that mean you already know the mansion?"

"Well, it's been a while, but I'm pretty sure that I still know my way around." Roy looked at Corrin and Kamui, who were whispering to each other.

"Master Hand, doesn't that mean he shouldn't have to go on the tour?" he asked.

"Well, I mean, no. Roy, do you want to come? Or should I take you off the list?" He put his hands up and shook his head.

"N-no! I assure you that it's fine! I don't mind!" quickly before Master Hand changed his mind, Roy walked next to Cloud. Cloud scooted over.

"Hi!" Corrin greeted. "My name's Corrin! This is my sister, Ka-"

"Kamui." she said herself. Cloud rolled his eyes. _Oh look, now they're finishing each other's sentences_ , he thought. "We can both turn into dragons. It's nice to meet you."

"Roy." he said, shaking both of their hands.

"Alright everyone, let's head over to our next smasher. Quickly now, we're running a bit late." he looked at Cloud and Kamui. "We'd better speed things up."

* * *

Skip ahead...skip ahead…

* * *

Not much was said when they reached the next smashers door. Roy had a big smile on his face and Corrin was still enthusiastic. Before Master Hand could knock, a strange and mystic creature opened the door. Cloud snickered at the sight of it.

"Good morning Mewtwo. Are you ready for the tour?" The creature named Mewtwo levitated off the ground, arms folded and eyes closed. Cloud snickered more.

"News flash, cat meets space creature." with a wave of it's hand, Mewtwo sent Cloud spinning in circles. He hit the ground with a grunt. "Ow! Why you mutant-"

"Mewtwo! Fighting here is forbidden! That is your warning. Don't mind him, he's just a moody teenager."

"I'm fucking 26…"

"Language Cloud."

"Also, what's with this telekinesis crap?" he picked himself off the ground.

"Mewtwo is a pokemon. It-"

"I'm-a stop you there. I don't really care." he folded his arms and turned away. Roy jumped and hugged the pokemon around his head.

"Mewtwo! Buddy! It's me, Roy!" he laughed. A voice sounded in the air.

"Get off. Now." Mewtwo spoke roughly. Roy unlatched from around him.

"Jeez. Prickly. Good to see you too…" he said. Master Hand stepped in.

"Corrin, Kamui, this is Mewtwo. He is a veteran just like Roy." After greeting Mewtwo, the siblings kept their distance. They weren't all that enthusiastic about getting on his bad side. If he even had a good side. Master Hand moved on.

* * *

Skip ahead...skip ahead…

* * *

"Holy shit you're tall. Well, I guess it wouldn't be holy since you're a witch." Cloud said. He was looking up at Bayonetta, who was a little bit over 8 feet. She smirked and shrugged, holding two guns in her hand. Cloud leaned to whisper in Kamui's ear. "I say we burn her at the steak before she tries anything." Kamui giggled.

"Good morning children. I am Bayonetta. As this walking ken-doll might have figured, I am an umbra witch. Pleased." she took a small bow. Cloud whispered more.

"Please if you could not kill and eat my children, that'd be great." Kamui pushed him away with a smile on her face. Corrin looked at them peculiarly. Roy approached her and looked up.

"I'm Roy! Nice to meet you!" he greeted. He held out a patient hand while Bayo decided whether she'd shake or not. She did.

Skip ahead...after picking up another man and kid...

"Okay everyone," Master Hand interrupted. "That seems like all of you. We can begin the tour now."

"Oh thank god. Once this is over, I can finally eat and sleep. Nevermind, once it's over, there won't be anything else boring enough to put me to sleep." Cloud yawned. Master Hand sighed and kept moving through the halls. They followed until the passed up a 'Theatre Room' on the second floor. Cloud eyed it suspiciously and elbowed Kamui. He nodded towards the room and she shook her head vigorously.

"Cloud, we can't! We shouldn't! We could both get into a lot of trouble!" she whispered. He opened the door and looked inside, Master Hand and the rest of the group unnoticingly leaving them behind.

"You coming or what?" he asked. Kamui shifted uncomfortably and slowly followed him. He softly closed the door behind them. "Finally, something to do around here." He threw his hands up into the air.

"Cloud, it's not too late, we should regroup with the others."

"Really, you getting cold feet already? We're supposed to be taking a tour, this is just a tour of my own. So, allow me to show you, the theatre room!" he announced and turned around. There was a stage with a green screen behind it. Several cameras were aimed at the stage, getting different angles.

"Yeah, the theatre room. Real interesting Cloud. Here, let me show you how to present something." She walked over to a computer. Kamui had never seen this kind of machine before, given where she's from. She pushed a couple of buttons and more lights turned on. "Do you have any kind of clue what this machine is?"

"It's a computer. It's used for a lot of different stuff, but that doesn't matter. This room is probably used for when that hand guy decides to broadcast messages to those who go to the tournament. Let's see if we can make a commercial movie or something." Cloud said, picking up a dummy over in the corner. It had a purple hat on.

After setting up mannequins and dummies…

Master Hand opened up the door to the theatre room. "Cloud, Kamui, are you in here? Everyone, wait right here." Master Hand tried to float through the door, but remembered he was too big. He teleported into the room. "Cl-" lights turned on and a voice sounded through the speakers.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please, allow me to present Cloud Strife's, 'The Price is Right'!" Kamui's voice sounded through the speaker. Red curtains opened and Cloud was standing on the stage with a giant green bow tie pinned to his shirt. He held a microphone to his mouth. Two dummies were set up at podiums as players.

"Master Hand, come on down for the Price is Right!" he forced a smile. Master Hand was shocked.

"Me? Price is right? Oh, well I never would have thought I'd be picked!" He floated onto the stage at the third player's spot.

"We've got a good show for you today folks!" Cloud said monotonely. Roy peeked through the door.

"W-wait one minute!" Master Hand shook out of it. "Cloud!? Kamui!? I thought I told you not to stray from the tour!"

"Well we were technically touring the theatre room. Took you long enough though." Cloud pulled off the bow tie and threw it to the ground. Poor bow tie. Kamui shut off the music and lights.

"Kamui! Come out here this instant!" Master Hand demanded. Roy opened the door and stepped inside.

"Hey, I remember this room."

"Roy! Back outside!" Master Hand pointed a finger at the door. Roy sadly exited. Kamui sheepishly walked in from behind the curtains. "I would expect no less out of the two of you together. You've only just met and you two seem like quite the duo. Normally, I'd be happy, but no. I'm not." he said. Kamui winced with every word while Cloud just yawned.

"To be fair, it was Cloud's idea."

"It was my idea."

"Kamui, that doesn't matter! Does Cloud have you on a leash? Are you-wait. That's it!" Master Hand snapped his fingers. "Cloud, try to run away."

"'Try'. Hilarious. I will run away." Cloud took off towards the door. When he was fifteen feet away, he snatched himself off the ground as if he was held by something. Cloud choked and sputtered.

"What happened?" Kamui asked Master Hand. His index finger moved and the leash he'd put on her and Cloud became visible.

"I have an invisible leash now for when you two try to stray and get into more trouble. We'll address this later, but I'll release you two once you learn to act like adults." without further ado, Master Hand and the others joined the group outside. You could hear the mild irritation in his voice. Kamui helped Cloud up to his feet.

"You know, from now on, I'm the one in charge." she wasn't joking. This is the second time she's gotten in trouble because of Cloud and it sure wasn't going to be the last.

Afterward, heading around the mansion…

* * *

Master Hand had lead the chatty crew down a couple of flights of stairs and past the main lobby. He walked-er, floated down another hall and through a set of double doors.

"Now everyone, especially Cloud, feast your eyes on your new cafeteria!" Master Hand sure was proud of this one. Cloud rolled his eyes and looked around. There were "ooh's" and "ah's" about the group as they feasted their eyes. Dazzling marble floors that were shined to maximum perfection. It could even be used as a mirror. Several elaborately decorated tables stood floor to each corner and point of a quadrahedron. Glass round tables with cloths of the colors red, orange, crystal green, yellow to the point where it's commonly mistaken as gold, and even chartreuse in a beautiful manner. The ceilings, lined with only the most elegant of coral stones. Speckles of gold dust glittered in the ultimate variety of jewels. The finest of art hung amongst the beautiful walls of white and black. There were few of people that looked like butlers roaming about, cleaning any and every mess and assisting the smashers that were present in the building. Classical music, the one you can't help but like for that one reason, played lightly through the speakers. Not like they were easy to find. The air was full of delicious aromas as on the far wall was all sorts of dishes and meals. Chefs and butlers were constantly refilling the plates as a certain pink puffball was never satisfied. Exchanging cold food for warm, old with new, not a beat ever missed, this single cafeteria was not only being supplied for just those of the Smash Mansion, but to that of those who are curious guests that took a ride up to the mountain and aspiring warriors striving to join the tournament (not like that'll ever happen. Sorry Mia, maybe next time). Warm atmosphere, tasty smell, saucy attitude. This, this was the Smash Mansion's Sumptuous Repast Home™. (You bet your ass that's trademarked).

"So, Cloud? What do you think?" Although Master Hand didn't have a face, it was clear that he was grinning, eager for a response.

"Oh, so now all this is to impress me? Well, not bad, but for starters, cut the butlers. Needs hookers instead. Get those bitches some lingerie and you've got yourself a damn party." he said leaning against the wall. All of the others looked at him with surprised expressions. A kid that Cloud was too annoyed to talk to tapped on Roy's leg, getting him to bend down.

"What does he mean by hookers and lingerie?" he asked. Roy shook his head.

"Uh, well….that's grown up stuff. I'll tell you when you're older Lucas." he scratched the back of his head. This frustrated him slightly.

"H-h-hey! I'm not just some kid! I-I once defeated a dark entity and saved the world!" he sputtered.

"Okay, I know you're curious, but save your imagination for later kid! We're missing the tour!" he whispered back. Lucas wasn't just some kid. His face turned red and cheeks puffed out slightly. Master Hand saw the mild fire building.

"Lucas, calm down. He didn't mean it that wa-"

"PK Freeze!" he cried out and a snowflake looking object flew onto Roy.

"What in the-" he bursted into a giant ice cube. Lucas shook his head and realized what he just did, immediately regretting the decision.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to! I can fix this!" he said. Master Hand shook vigorously.

"NoLucaswhateveryoudodon't-"

"PK Fire!" he shot a bolt of fire from his hands. It hit the Roy popsicle, but at the same time, catching fire to one of the beautiful hanging red banners. The flames spread quickly from one banner to another. Some guy that seemed to be a fox (Fox) with a gun shouted "FIRE!". If everything wasn't already getting bad, this sure was now.

"Awe 'hell' yeah, this is some fire shit right here." Cloud snickered as the whole place began to erupt. His laughing ceased when fire caught on the carpet they were standing on. He jumped up and dove backwards. Him, Kamui and Corrin all hit the deck and began sprawling away. The heated fire spread around the entire cafeteria. Cloud rolled out of the way as hanging decorations burned and fell off the ceiling, raining down on people.

"Shit! Okay, Master Hand, you should probably deal with this!" Cloud said through shut teeth, not noticing that his pants leg had caught a small flame. Lucas was running back and forth, stomping small flames out, which wasn't exactly helping. Corrin and Kamui struggled as they slid the melting Roy popsicle out of the room.

"Cloud! Your leg!" Kamui shouted. Sloud, I mean Cloud looked down to see his right pant leg catching aflame. He shouted and began scoot on the floor. Bayonetta grabbed Lucas who wasn't too sure what to do and ran out of the room. A man who also was on the tour that Cloud hadn't spoken to before (Ryu), helped a maid to her feet and out of the room. Master Hand snapped his fingers and a noise sounded. Not sure what it did, but…

Crazy Hand had just gotten out of time-out when he received a message from his big brother. It wasn't a physical message, but he understood him anyway. On the wall was a giant metal panel with thousands of controls for the mansion. He had told him about the fire and Crazy knew what to do.

"Okay big bro! I'll be good!" he said more to himself than anyone. He flicked open the metal panel, a little too hard, breaking the little door and sending it to the ground.

"Oops. Link did it." he flipped two switches. "Yay! I did it! Woo! That's what I'm talking about!" he celebrated for himself. Meanwhile…

"Crazy! There's fire everywhere! Quickly, extinguish it-" water began to shower from the ceiling. Not like normal either. Like a river, water poured down on everything, washing the fiery inferno away. "No Crazy! Wrong switch! We don't need that much water!" he sighed roughly. Luckily, everyone was out of the cafeteria except him. But he's an otherworldly being. Simple elements couldn't affect him. Nor did he need to breathe. He sat in the waves, sealing the exits leading to the other parts of the building. Water flowed out of the glass entry doors, breaking all windows and such. Master Hand's heart left with the beauty of his cafe. This would not go unpunished.

Outside the doors, a man in formal wear and loose blond hair stood in front of the small group. Cloud was leaning on the wall, staring into the distance while Lucas was apologizing to Roy infinitely when he had already forgiven him.

"Excuse me everyone, please. Listen up." the blond haired man called. The gang looked up at him with irritated eyes. At least, Cloud was irritated. A blue-haired woman dashed down the stairs behind him, following another guy who was dressed in red and overalls.

"Mario, what the hell is going on? Terrorists?" she shouted to the guy who's name was apparently 'Mario'. He signaled her to keep following.

"Yeah, just ignore that." the blond guy said. "I'm Patrick and Master Hand told me to continue the tour with you eight while he deals with, 'technical issues'. Please, follow me this way. We'd like to introduce you to the simulation rooms." Patrick yawned and began walking. Cloud cracked his knuckles.

"Huh. Simulation rooms. First thing that sounds interesting. Hopefully it isn't as garbage as the theatre room." he spoke aloud. Kamui elbowed him.

"Hey, come on. The theatre room was fun."

"Not until ol' high-five came to play. Wonder what he's doing right now." Cloud scratched his chin.

"Sounds like you miss him already." Roy smiled.

"Like hell I-" Cloud was pulled to the ground by something. Kamui soon followed and fell right next to him.

"Crap! The leash!" Kamui grabbed at her chest, trying to grip the invisible leash, but unable. Cloud didn't seem too worried about it.

"You know what? I'm actually fine right here. The carpet's comfortable." he rested his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. "This is better than some tour." At least he's happy I guess.

"This won't do." Patrick said. He put a toothpick in his mouth. He grabbed a walkie talkie from his belt and spoke very quietly into it. Master Hand's voice ejected from it and the leash was released. "Get up." he commanded. Cloud rolled his eyes and got off of the floor. Kamui soon after. "Alright, just follow me. Don't touch anything and don't talk to anyone." he scratched the back of his head and began walking. Roy whispered to Lucas.

"Jeez, talk about a party-pooper."

"I heard that. I hear everything. Look man, I couldn't care less about this tour. I'm getting paid either way, so just keep it moving please."

"At least you said 'please'." Cloud mocked. They followed him for quite some time, exiting the back of the gigantic mansion and entering another large building. It opened to stairs, leading upwards and to a single door on three floors, four floors in all. Patrick entered the first door, peeking his head through. There seemed to be nobody inside, so he lead the group in.

"Alright, stop right here." He said, putting his hand up. The room was all white, filled to the brim with hollow silence. The floor was pure white tiles and seemed to be electrically powered. Not that they were being powered for anything. "This is one of the simulation rooms. They create simulations. From different stages to imaginary fighters for you to train with to even casual rooms. Now, you have free use to these rooms, but only for an hour each, as there are four."

"What exactly-" Ryu began talking, but the servant held up his hand.

"I know you may have questions, but I got a lot to go over, so please just wait a minute, alright?" the street-fighter nodded. "Anyway, some of you already know how the tournaments in here work. Others, might not. So, allow me to give you a demonstration." the toothpick in his teeth shifted. He walked over to the far room and entered a door with several different controls.

"Can't wait to see how this is gonna end." Cloud stretched back.

"Trust me, this is gonna be cool. Nothing you've seen before." Roy smiled.

"Hey. Child, don't ruin the surprise." Bayonetta smiled back. Mewtwo instinctively moved five feet in the other direction, to the east. The room's panels sparked and everyone seemed to be warped to another land. It was a small floating island with floating platforms and a tree with a face in the back. Cloud jumped, as he was nearly at the edge. Patrick came floating in via a platform. He jumped down without a sound.

"As you can see…" he stood up. "We're at a stage called 'Dreamland'. This is a stage from the 'Kirby' universe, as many stages are from your own worlds. Each and every one of you has at least one of their own stages, at least, a world based off of where you're from." he said, looking off the edge.

"Awe, Dreamland! How I missed you!" Roy's eyes sparkled. Corrin looked around.

"So we can just poof in different things with those controls?" he asked enthusiastically.

"Pretty much. When you enter here, remotes are installed into your wrists so you always have a way of getting out. Or controlling more stuff. For instance…" he turned his wrist and a 3-D panel came up. He spawned a drill, showing it off to everyone. Cloud raised his hand. Patrick raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Yeah, this is pretty cool and all, but what's down there?" he pointed off-stage. Patrick was going to save that for later, but curiosity killed the cat. He walked over to Cloud.

"Yeah, that's pretty important. Just endless death. But in this simulation room, you can't be injured. Hurt, yes, but not injured. Falling down there will result in death."

"A little serious for a simulation, don't you think?" Ryu asked. Roy whispered to Mewtwo about what was going to happen next, actually making the pokemon unfold his arms.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get used to it." Patrick placed his foot on Cloud's back, kicking him into the endless pit below.

"Shiiiiiiiiii-!" he cried as he fell. Corrin, Kamui, and Bayonetta immediately jumped up to try to grab him, save him from death, but there was an explosion. Kamui pointed a finger.

"Y-you just killed him!"

"What the hell man!? Sure, he complained a lot, but you didn't have to murder him!" Corrin piped.

"Child, that had better of been a joke or consider yourself 'live bait'." Bayo growled. Ryu pointed above his head.

"Guys, chill. He's back." a floating platform had brought Cloud back from the abyss. Patrick smiled.

"Alright rookies, down there is one of the blast zones. Each stage is boxed in by blast zones. One up, down, left, and right. Upon touching one of them will result in you losing a stock, or a point, and being returned to the stage. Unless you have no stock left, resulting in you losing the game." Cloud jumped off of the upper platform.

"Alright you bastard! You thought that was funny? Let's see how you like it!" Cloud ran at the staffsman. He held out a foot and Cloud tripped off the edge again. "Shiiiiiiiii-!" he exploded once more.

"Okay, this is the part where I teach you how combat works in this world." he spat his toothpick out over the edge. They were there for an hour learning about points, stocks, team battles and percentages. He taught them about double-jumping and air-dodging. Charging up attacks and meteor-smashing. Even spikes. Mewtwo learned how to utilize his fighting abilities more. Ryu learned how to combo into other attacks. Cloud learned how to grab the ledge and not fall to his death. Corrin learned that he could dodge and roll away from others' attacks. Everyone had some type of fun. Even Cloud, after he learned how to not die after every time he was kicked off the stage by Patrick. They experimented with items, tested fighting techniques on each other, and even learned about knockback. They exited the simulation rooms in a happy heap. Even the staffman was playing with a toothpick, smiling along the way.

Just as Cloud began to enjoy his day, Master Hand approached the gang.

"Dun-dun-dun." Cloud sounded.

"Patrick, you have taught them most of the basics of how fighting goes on here, correct?" The giant hand floated patiently for a response.

"Yeah, they've got it pretty much down. The red-head could use some more work on form, but we're good otherwise."

"You talking about me?" Roy asked curiously.

"Very good. You're needed in the cafe. I'll take it from here." The staffman shrugged and held the peace sign in the air as he walked off.

"Ciao."

"See ya!" Corrin waved. Lucas waved as well.

"Too bad. I was really starting to like him." Kamui said sadly.

"Betraying me already? Typical." Cloud turned his head the other way.

"Oh will you shut up?" Kamui responded.

"Now now you two. I've still got my eye on you so it's best you get along for now. Okay, next on the tour list is my office. Crazy is going to give you a quick run down of the rules." he floated forwards.

"'Run down'? He's a hand, he can't run. He's got to float us down the rules to get anywhere." Mr. Sarcastic added. Kamui shook her head and shoved him through the double doors. With only a few more places to go, the group was still more excited than ever.

 **Tune in, tune up, tune over for next time.**


	4. Chute for the Stars!

**You know what the priorities are.  
**

 **Guest (you know who you are): Thank you, thank you very much. FF7 Cloud is cool, but I despise Sm4sh Cloud. Not only is he broken as a wet TV, but he shouldn't be here in the first place. Could've had someone way better. Anyhoo, thank you for your support towards Patrick. Although he isn't going to be a main character in this short story, he sure will stick around.**

 **Let's hop right in people.**

* * *

The gang was sitting in a bunch of colorful kiddie chairs while Crazy Hand was pointing to a giant red book in front of them. Master Hand had left them with his brother in order to take care of matters dealing with the cafe. Cloud had his hands on his face. He was sitting next to Kamui, but Crazy Hand had set a 'no talking while he's talking' rule. Everyone looked bored out of their minds. Well, Mewtwo always looked bored. Crazy pointed further into the book.

"Okay guys! Only 106 more pages to go in 'Crazy's Rule Extravaganza'! Rule number 96! Whenever eating pizza, you must speak in an italian accent! Rule number 97! If you spill milk, cry immediately! Crying over spilled milk is a world-known rule!" Kamui raised her hand.

"Uh, actually, the rule is 'Don't cry over spilled mil-'" Roy held out a hand to stop her, but it was too late. Crazy snapped his fingers and she was electrocuted. Corrin and Ryu jumped out of their chairs.

"What the he-"

"Ah!" Crazy held out a finger. "Rule number 57! No swearing around Crazy!"

"Fine, why did you shock her!?" Corrin helped her off the floor. Crazy cleared his throat (somehow).

"I was getting to that! Rule number 98! Don't correct Crazy on his rule or other important matters unless you are a person of authority! My big bro came up with that one." Cloud grinded his head with his knuckles.

"I can't take this for very much longer…" he mumbled. Bayo patted him on the back.  
"Hang on child. It's not for very much longer. I have a feeling." it didn't really help him.

"Rule number 99! Keep your room neat and tidy! You all have trash chutes accessible in your rooms! Our janitors have a lot of work to do, so having them clean after you is pretty embarrassing!" Cloud flipped out of his chair.

"YES!" they looked at him peculiarly. "Finally! A rule that makes sense! Round of applause for our dumbass hand!" he began clapping. Crazy twitched. Kamui hid behind her chair. Her hair was a spiky afro after the electricity.

"Cloud, rule number 57…"

"Crazy, calm down." Ryu said nicely. Roy jumped on the desk.

"Rule number 33 guys! Crazy loves patty-cake!" Roy held up his hand. "Patty cake patty cake, baker's man." Crazy's palm straightened.

"Bake me a cake as fast as you can!" Crazy attempted to put his hand (body) against Roy's hand, but accidentally smacked him across the room instead. He flew through the half-open doors. He hit, flipped and rolled into the wall. Cloud slowly looked behind him at Roy and sat back down in his chair.

"I apologize completely." he coughed in a closed fist. Corrin ran over to Roy.

"Are you alright?" Roy lifted his head and blood was pouring out of his nose.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Kinda." he wiped his nose, but the blood kept coming.

"Ew! Roy, don't touch it!" Kamui insisted.

"Augh, it got in my mouth! Wow, my blood is really sweet. You want a taste?" he held a bloody hand to Corrin.

"Hell no! Let's get you to a nurse or something. Crazy? Do you know where the nur-" Crazy was nowhere to be found. I guess he really didn't want to get time-out again.

"Wow, he is fast." Bayo added. Roy was trying his best to not get the crimson liquid on the carpet.

"Don't worry, I know where it is. Here, follow me. Ow, my nose hurts…" they walked off. The others looked at each other.

"What do we do now?" Lucas asked. Mewtwo looked at the door and left.

"That. Exactly that. The space cat has the right idea." Cloud told. Bayonetta smiled and stood up. She marched out of the room. Lucas looked around. He joined Ryu, who was also walking out. Kamui was leaving when she saw that Cloud was meddling again.

"Cloud, what are you doing?" she looked at him. He was looking through filing cabinets.

"Eh, just trying to see what that hand has to store. Surely he has something cool in here." he answered. Kamui looked at the door then looked at Cloud. She sighed and walked over to Cloud. "Coming to join? Good to kno-" she grabbed him by his hair and began dragging him out of the room.

"Ouch! Let go witch!"

"No, let's leave before you get yourself in trouble again." she closed her eyes.

"Fine, just let my hair go!" Kamui let him go and he shook his head. "That hurt you know. What if I pull your hair-"

"Don't you dare Cloud. I will kill you! No seriously, I will literally actually murder you if you touch my hair." he had an outstretched hand. "Cloud, I swear to Naga if lay a finger on me." he reached further. She submitted and walked away.

"Got em'."

"Do you have to be this way?"

"Would you rather I be that way?" he pointed behind himself.

"Here we go with this again...Do you not notice that you're really rude sometimes?" She asked. Cloud shrugged.

"To be fair, you did just pull me by my hair a minute ago. I would say that's pretty rude. Now, if you don't mind, I'll be having that shower now." He progressed down the hall.

"H-hey! Wait for me!"

"What? No, you can't shower with me. You have to use your own. Besides, I don't think we can both fit."

"That's not what I meant. I mean don't leave me behind!" she ran after him.

* * *

Later…

* * *

"Okay, Ima unpack my shit. You need anything, just stop by. Don't forget, I got this super sweet name tag next to my door. Okay, buh bye." before Kamui could respond, he closed the door. He heard a sigh then footsteps leading off. "Ah, silence."

He took off his shirt and tossed it to the side. There was a knock on his door. Again.

"Oh my fucking god…" he opened the door. It was Princess Toadstool. And she brought a friend.

"Hi Cloud! I wanted to introduce you to a friend of mine! This is Rosalina! She is one of the friendliest people you'll ever meet!" she smiled. Rosalina, if that's her name, nodded.

"Yes, my name is Rosalina. I hope to welcome you to the mansion as warmly as possible." she bowed. She whispered to Peach. "You never said he'd be shirtless…"

"He really likes walking around without a shirt." she whispered back. Cloud forced a grin.

"I can hear you…" Peach pulled out another object wrapped in green paper. It was in the shape of a star.

"She even brought you this! You can put it next to the one I brought you earlier! Speaking of which…" she peeked inside of Cloud's room. "Where is the one I got you?" she asked curiously.

"Shit!" Cloud shouted. "I mean, I was gonna put it up right now. If you'll excuse me…" he slowly closed the door. "Shit! What to do…" He looked at the trash chute. "No getting it back from there. Unless…" he gritted his teeth. Peach cracked open the door.

Cloud was half way into the chute, stuffing himself inside. He was gone before she even noticed. She sat the gift on his dresser and slowly closed the door.

"He went to the bathroom. I'm sure he had to go really bad." Peach skipped off. Rosalina shook her head and followed.

* * *

In the dark…

* * *

Cloud was attempting to slow his momentum by placing his hand on the wall. All the other smashers' chutes were connected to a giant trash bin. Cloud fell down, the stench killing his nose. He fell on top of a mountain of trash.

"Gah! Damn it!" he landed on something hard. He couldn't see very well. This place smelled terrible. He pulled out his Smash Phone and turned on the screen. He quickly clicked on the flashlight. The thing he landed on was covered in trash. It was the mushroom lamp. He hooked the phone in the edge of his pocket so the flashlight stuck out. The trash dump was huge. There was a conveyor belt that brought trash to a furnace. It wasn't turned on. He picked up the lamp and wiped smaug off of it.

"Alright you piece of shit, you're coming with me."

The lamp looked at him with hopeful eyes.

There was a trash chute that was slanted enough to walk on. It was to save more room. He dragged himself through heaps of trash and up the chute. It took him almost 15 minutes to make it up the chute with this heavy ass metal lamp. He was breathing heavy. The smell was killing him.

"Oh god...where's the light?" he gasped. He was nearly at the end. He could see light shining from the square chute. He fell to his knees and began to slide.

"Oh hell no!" he put a hand on the wall and got back up, struggling with the lamp in one arm. He punched the chute open. "AAAAHHHHH!" he screamed loudly as he forced his way through the chute opening. He dragged the lamp by the cord.

"What the fuck!?" a dark angel seemed to be in the room. He had nearly jumped out of his skin. He was freaking out. Cloud crawled on the floor, dragging the lamp on top of himself. He smelled like moose puke. He was clad in trash.

"Sweet sweet light…"

"What the absolute hell are you doing!? Crawling through the fucking trash chute!? What the hell is going on? What's with the cancer shroom!? Where's your shirt!?" he pointed at the lamp. It was cradled in Cloud's arms.

"No one will hurt you now…"

"Get the fuck out!" the dark angel football punted Cloud out of his room. The shroom lamp landed on Cloud's chest. He coughed loudly. "Don't ever come back you smelly freak!" he slammed the door, locking it behind him. Cloud sat up.

"Ouch. Ugh...This had better of been worth it." he picked himself off of the floor and grabbed the lamp. He slowly made his way to his room.

Up some stairs…

As Cloud was turning the corner to his room, he saw Peach exiting someone else's room, waving goodbye. Anger sparked in the warrior and he clomped over to her.

"You! This is your fault!" She looked over and waved.

"Hello Cloud! I see you're taking your gift for a walk! While shirtless again!" she smiled. She was pretty cute, he had to admit. She had a certain innocence that added to her beauty. But Cloud didn't really care. He never does. He walked over to his room.

"Get your ass over here!" he demanded.

"Oke-dokey! I'm coming!" she was so cute. The princess skipped over (in heels mind you) and did a twirl.

"What'd ya want to show me?" Cloud kicked open the door and slammed the lamp on the dresser. He grabbed the lightbulb and screwed it into the lamp. It shone to life, brightening the bright room even brighter than bright whilst illuminating Peach's soul.

"Yay! I knew you'd like it! Be sure to use it as much as you like Cloud!" she smiled. Cloud scoffed.

"Happy-go-lucky dimwitted princess wannabe…" he mumbled.

"Hey! I heard that! That wasn't nice." she said.

"Well of course you heard that. You have ears. And of course it wasn't nice. It wasn't supposed to be." Peach looked at him strangely.

"W-why are you being mean? I mean, I'm not dumb. Was it something I said?" she asked warily.

"No! It's just you! You're annoying! Get out of here!" he irritatingly dismissed her. Peach didn't know whether to be angry or sad. She was more one than the other.

"F-fine Cloud. If that's how you really feel, I won't bother you any longer. I'm sorry. Enjoy the rest of your evening, alright?" Cloud could see her big, blue eyes getting watery.

"Yeah, whatever." he waved his hand. Peach wiped away the water swelling at the edges of her eyes and trotted out of the room, quietly closing the door behind her. Cloud looked at the lamp.

The lamp looked back with disappointed eyes.

"What the hell are you looking at!?" he opened the trash chute and held the lamp over it. Again.

The lamp looked back with terrified eyes. Cloud took a deep breath and closed the trash chute. He sat the lamp back down.

"Man, forget it. I just need that shower." He removed all of his clothes and entered the bathroom.

After some time, he exited with a towel around his waist. He felt warm and fuzzy and nice. There was a loud growl. "I am piss hungry!" he still hadn't gotten that food. And seeing how Lucas annihilated the cafe, there was no food to be had at the moment. And he didn't have any money yet. He dressed up and stretched his back. There was a knock at his door. "What is it with you people!?" he opened the door.

The dog from earlier, Isabelle, was shyly shuffling through objects.

"Hi! I'm Master Hand's secretar-"

"Yeah, I know. Can I help you? Or rather, what have you come to help me with?" he asked. Isabelle smiled sheepishly and handed him a watch.

"It's something I'm required to give every new smasher. I've custom made it in order to fit you and your personal needs. It has all sorts of gadgets and your name inscripted into it." Cloud looked at the Smash Watch. Behind the clock face was Cloud name, glowing in magenta.

"My favorite color."

"Yep! I worked real hard on it! Also, you can-"

"Thanks." he closed the door on her and slipped the watch on. "Okay, out of all the crap at this mansion, this is actually really cool." he looked at the bags on the floor. "It's 1:37 pm. Alright, time to unpack." he sat down on the floor and opened up a bag. The pink one was right next to him. He sorted through clothes he'd brought and little things to remind him of the gang back home. He even had a picture of everyone. He sat it next to the mushroom lamp. Cloud could almost feel the mushroom's disapproval.

He hated that thing.

But he just didn't.

Didn't have the heart.

To get rid of it again.

There was a knock at the door. He sighed, knowing he would never be left alone. He stood up and opened the door. Kamui stood with her arms folded and a frown on her face.

"Oh, it's just you." Cloud walked back and sat on the floor, sorting his crap.

"Cloud, what did you do?"

"What do you mean? I've done a lot of stuff. Like breathing. A lot of that."

"No, I mean, what did you say to Peach?" she tapped her foot.

"Well, let's see, when I first met her, she knocked on the door and I said 'What's up?'. Then she asked my name. I said, 'I mean, my name is right here on the side of the door. It's all shiny and stuff. You could've bothered to read it-'" she held her hand up.

"Cut the bullshit Cloud. You know what I mean this time. Why were you so mean to her? She's a sweet woman!"

"Well, if you would've crawled through a trash chute for a stupid ass lamp that weighs 70 pounds, I'm pretty sure you would find her annoying as well. Not to mention she knocks on the door at the worst times. I could be buttass naked right now and somehow she would think it's the perfect time to knock on the door. Watch." He kicked the door closed and unbuttoned his pants. Kamui's face turned a bright pink.

N-no! Wait! D-d-don't do that dummy! Just quit being mean is what I'm asking!" she stuttered.

"I don't even know what I did wrong to be honest." he got back to folding his clothes. He looked at the mushroom lamp. It resonated sadness. "Will you shut up!?" he yelled at it. Kamui looked at the mushroom.

"C-Cloud, you're talking to a lamp. A lamp that the princess gave you." She was sitting criss-cross (applesauce! Yaya!) on the floor.

"Ugh, I'm so hungry." he folded a button-up shirt.

"Cloud, no. You're not supposed to fold that kind of shirt. You hang it up-wait! I've gotten off-track!" she shook herself out of it.

"Well, you never were on tracks. Then again, if you were, you've probably derai-"

"Shut up. I want you to apologize to Peach." she asked. Her voice was soft.

"No."

"Why not? Because it really feels like you should."

"I didn't even do anything wrong. I feel fine. Lamp, I swear to god if you look at me like that one more time-" he looked back. The lamp was turned the other way. Kamui didn't move it. He pointed a finger. "That lamp just moved."

"Don't try to change the subject Cloud. In all honesty, you're being a real asshole right now. And I don't mean the fun type, I mean the ass hat type."

"I mean, we've only just met today. You have yet to get used to it. Would hate to be an ass hat. I mean, who would wear that kind of hat? That sounds awful. Got the smell of fart and shit on your head all day."

"That's gross. Cloud."

"What?"

"Please." she stared at him with those red eyes of hers. He sighed roughly and stood up.

"Where's her room?"

* * *

Cloud was walking down the hall alone. Kamui would not accompany him because she knew he wouldn't focus. Peach's room was on the eighth floor. Cloud drug himself on the stairs. He didn't do anything wrong. Eventually he found her room. Her name tag had a castle background. He sighed and knocked on the door. With his head. There was silence.

"Looks like nobody's here. Going home!" he happily whispered to himself. The door unlocked and opened slowly. Cloud, who was leaning on the door, fell inside. He landed with an oof. Princess Peach looked at him without saying a word. "Howdy."

"I-is there something I can help you with?" she asked quietly. Cloud got off of the floor to dust himself off.

"Yeah. You can help me to a sandwich. I'm so hun-wait. I mean, I've come to apologize." Peach looked at the floor. She wasn't smiling like normal.

"Cloud, it's fine. You don't have to apologize. Besides, I'm not dumb. A little slow at times maybe, but I have a feeling it's not you who wants to say sorry." she began to close the door.

"Hey! No! I'm the one who closes the door on people!" he fussed. Peach looked at him. "Come on man, I'm sorry. I was being rude. I'm grumpy 'cause I haven't eaten jack shit today. I shouldn't have been like that. Or something. Whatever you do when you say sorry." he stared at her soul.

"Well, thank you Cloud. I forgave you when it happe-"

"What else do you people do when you say sorry? Piggy-back ride?" he gritted his teeth. Peach turned her head as Cloud kneeled onto the ground. "Get on."

"Uh, wh-what are you-" he picked Peach up on his back. She looked shocked as he sprinted down the hall. "Cloud! What are you doing!?" A man rounded the hall and collided right into the two. They all went sprawling to the floor. Peach landed safely, on top of Cloud. A fancy vase that was sitting on a small table (expensive as well) tipped over and shattered on the floor. A man in a green tunic held his head as he began to stand up.

"Ow, sorry. Try to be more carefu-uh oh." he looked at the shattered vase. "That's not good. Wait, who are you?" the man said. His hair hung out of his droopy hat.

"Peach! Will you get off-oh crap." he too saw the vase. Peach fell backwards as Cloud stood up. He pointed to both of them. "That was you two. It was them! It was everybody that was not me! Peach, this is your fault!" he remembered something from earlier. Isabelle when she gave him the watch. 'It has all sorts of gadgets and your name inscripted into it.' Maybe there was a gadget he could use to help fix this. There was a 'home' button on the watch.

"Go go gadget teleport!" he pushed the button and began to materialize. "Ah!"

"Wait, how come I didn't get a fancy watch?" the tunic man asked. Peach stood up.

"Goodbye Cloud!" she waved. He held up the middle finger and poofed away.

"Who the hell is Cloud?" asked the tunic man. Master Hand rounded the hall after hearing a crash. He saw the expensive vase in shambles.

"What in Sam hill- Link!" he shouted angrily. 'Link' stood up.

"Hey buddy! How we doing today? You feeling good?" he leaned on Master Hand's ring finger.

* * *

Anyway…

* * *

Cloud was teleported into his room. He landed on his ass and grunted.

"Wow. That actually worked. I was joking. This watch is really cool. I should actually say thank you to that dog…" he noticed how his stuff was all over the floor. His pink bag was opened slightly, as if someone looked inside. "I should probably see what Tifa packed. Filthy animal. She better not call me…" He unzipped the bag. It was mainly pictures and such, but further inside was a chocobo egg. It looked as if it was hatching.

"What is this doing in here!? Tifa you piece of-" the egg moved slightly. He carefully brought it over to his desk. "It's even too late to eat it. Well, I'll just leave this here." his watch rung. He had received a message from Master hand.

'Dear Cloud, you have a tournament match tomorrow. Do not worry, it is a casual match, but you can still receive money from it. Please meet me tomorrow at the Tourney arena. I see that you are well acquainted with one of my staff men, so he will be there to guide you to the location in a few minutes. I know how the tour ended up being canceled, but I'm sure you can find your way around. You will be fed after you have visited the Tourney Arena. But until then, rest easy.'

There was a knock at the door.

"I am so sick of hearing that sound." he snatched the door open. "Why-" Kamui shoved a peeled banana half-way into his mouth. Ryu and Staffman Patrick were behind her. He wolfed it down in seconds.

"Mmm. Food." he threw the banana peel on the floor, then slipped on it.

"Serves you right blondie. Get up." Patrick said. Cloud really didn't like him. Ryu and Kamui were also going with them. They too had matches tomorrow. After Cloud got up, Patrick led them out of the building through the back once more. Although they were at the summit of a warm mountain, it was a massive place to be held. It was quite the walk, even after the long while. They took a stone path through a trimmed field full of flowers down some stairs.

They walked across a bridge over a beautiful lake of water. Kamui's eyes shone at the beauty while Ryu breathed in the fresh air. Cloud was picking banana out of his teeth. They soon arrived to a massive dome gladiator pit. Except it all changed to whatever stage was being used. There were cars, helicopters, motorcycles, and even a few hoverboards in the parking lot. They all looked to see people flooding the lot and whole area.

"Don't look at them. They love smashers and they're crazy as hell." Patrick said. "No seriously, keep your head down." Patrick opened the doors of the highly technical place and pushed the group inside. The match going on had the whole place as rowdy as ever.

* * *

 **You likey? Leave a review! You don't likey? Leave a mean review! Leave a review anyways! No, I don't care what you say. It could even be 'Wassup spanky!' or 'This story sucks donkey ass!' or even 'Marry me grandfather!' Leave a review anyway. I'm so lonely.**

 **I'm joking of course.**

 **But it would be pretty funny.**


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